Today I realised the fact I'm basically an overgrown child in a (large) mans body. Mentally I'm still probably kicking around in my teenage years whilst the rest of me is heading towards my thirties at a seemingly accelerated rate (this is giving me terrible Doppler's effect around my waist).
I mean look at the evidence: I still laugh heartily at vulgar jokes (in particular the profanisaurus, the greatest book ever written), I pull the back of peoples chairs,I chuckle at customer's names (heh, heh, heh, heh, 'Wood'), like i'm beavis and/or butthead, I am still into my geeky stuff, particularly my encyclopedic knowledge of 80's cartoons and games, I know all the words to the mighty morphin' power rangers and Pokemon theme tune, and I occasionally ave been known to dabble in re-watching these.
Saying that I do occasionally do adult-type stuff, like filing my tax return, helping out with the accounts for my dad's business and doing a office job.
It's like the twenty something decade is the one where you have responsibilities and luxuries but still have not fully matured. I'm allowed to drink, smoke, have shares, a pension, drive, and a whole host of other things if i so wish, but in my mind I'm perpetually 17.
I sometimes wonder if it's just me i feel there's a wide ranging perception where, when you are in your twenties you're still allowed to mess around to a certain extent but as soon as you hit 30 you grow up, get a mortgage, a wife, kids and join the adult race and leave the trappings of childhood behind, I want all these things but I still want to hold on to those things.
SO just for a while longer, can i still be a big kid... please?
Well, that was a bit melancholy. As a way of an apology, here's a deleted scene from Beavis and Butthead do America:
huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuuhuh... ad infinitum
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Chapter the Third: On The Awfulness of Adverts
So it’s been a while since we last met but, meh. No excuses, no apologies.
A thing has occurred to me the past few days is the obtuse of rage I have against adverts. Today I will be sharing this with you with a list of my 7 most hated adverts, ranked in lists of how angry they make me feel:
7. Glade air fresher
What they cut off the end of the advert:
Mum: Well piss off to Pauls and don’t come back you little brat.
Anger rating: Throbbing vein on the forehead.
6. Gocompare.com
Audio abuse pure and simple, and the guy who even thought of using the “only a tenner / tenor” joke needs a kick in the mouth.
Anger rating: Clenched fist
5. Confused.com
This annoying piece of bum fluff is back in 2008 and was a regular discussion around our lunch table, from the achingly cheap cardboard set to the bottom of the barrel over pronounced acting. Pure misery for 30 seconds!
Anger Rating: Shaking fist at the TV
4. Envirofone.com
Oh god, they actually did the vox pop style. All ‘real’ people from a variety of races with a variety of accents, all ball achingly awful. My particular favourite is the WONGA guy; don’t you just want to smack him too?
Anger rating: A fistful of WONGA to the face, Mr marketing exec.
3. Wonga.com
On the subject of wonga, this advert is all so nice and friendly with the pastel shades and cutesy graphics it almost like they’re giving you a nice big hug. That’s until you notice a little ticker at the bottom: 2689% APR!
I’ll repeat that figure 2689% APR!!!
At least Dick Turpin was kind enough to wear a mask. For maximum disbelief they’ve loaded up some videos of their real customers and they say how much they love their service.
Bunch of flipping Wonga’s
Anger rating: Fist through the TV
2. webuyanycar.com
The original advert was craptacular enough with the 2d kiddie’s graphics but this took it to a whole level of awful. What were they thinking? A break dancing news reporter, this must be proof that marketers have no concept of reality anymore.
Anger Rating: Fist through the wall
1. musicmagpie.com
I never thought anything would top how much I hate webuyanycar.com, as my friends know I have a special circle of hell arranged just for the people behind that advert. But this is aural torture, they should use this in the next Saw movie, nothing jigsaw could do would defeat this in cruelty. I almost threw something at the TV to shut up that damn airborne disease carrier. I doubt anything will ever manage to beat this but I’ll be sure to let you know if anything does!
Anger rating: Fist through own head to stop the torture.
Well there you go; my top 7 most annoying bits between the shoes (or as I like to call them, the longer adverts). Please don’t give any money or trade to these companies until they stop!
A thing has occurred to me the past few days is the obtuse of rage I have against adverts. Today I will be sharing this with you with a list of my 7 most hated adverts, ranked in lists of how angry they make me feel:
7. Glade air fresher
What they cut off the end of the advert:
Mum: Well piss off to Pauls and don’t come back you little brat.
Anger rating: Throbbing vein on the forehead.
6. Gocompare.com
Audio abuse pure and simple, and the guy who even thought of using the “only a tenner / tenor” joke needs a kick in the mouth.
Anger rating: Clenched fist
5. Confused.com
This annoying piece of bum fluff is back in 2008 and was a regular discussion around our lunch table, from the achingly cheap cardboard set to the bottom of the barrel over pronounced acting. Pure misery for 30 seconds!
Anger Rating: Shaking fist at the TV
4. Envirofone.com
Oh god, they actually did the vox pop style. All ‘real’ people from a variety of races with a variety of accents, all ball achingly awful. My particular favourite is the WONGA guy; don’t you just want to smack him too?
Anger rating: A fistful of WONGA to the face, Mr marketing exec.
3. Wonga.com
On the subject of wonga, this advert is all so nice and friendly with the pastel shades and cutesy graphics it almost like they’re giving you a nice big hug. That’s until you notice a little ticker at the bottom: 2689% APR!
I’ll repeat that figure 2689% APR!!!
At least Dick Turpin was kind enough to wear a mask. For maximum disbelief they’ve loaded up some videos of their real customers and they say how much they love their service.
Bunch of flipping Wonga’s
Anger rating: Fist through the TV
2. webuyanycar.com
The original advert was craptacular enough with the 2d kiddie’s graphics but this took it to a whole level of awful. What were they thinking? A break dancing news reporter, this must be proof that marketers have no concept of reality anymore.
Anger Rating: Fist through the wall
1. musicmagpie.com
I never thought anything would top how much I hate webuyanycar.com, as my friends know I have a special circle of hell arranged just for the people behind that advert. But this is aural torture, they should use this in the next Saw movie, nothing jigsaw could do would defeat this in cruelty. I almost threw something at the TV to shut up that damn airborne disease carrier. I doubt anything will ever manage to beat this but I’ll be sure to let you know if anything does!
Anger rating: Fist through own head to stop the torture.
Well there you go; my top 7 most annoying bits between the shoes (or as I like to call them, the longer adverts). Please don’t give any money or trade to these companies until they stop!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Chapter the Second: The Introduction Strikes Back
Last night I forgot to tell you about a few of my other favourite things.
For some reason I’ve always loved lists. Namely lists counting down inanities such as “The Top Ten Games You’ve Never Played” or “The 5 Biggest Burgers in America”. Show me a list of something unimportant and I will be fascinated.
Another thing that interests me greatly is the English language, especially semantics (basically, the meaning of words). I occasionally drop the long word or an archaic meaning into a conversation, just to confound and bamboozle the other participant. It’s fun to see them try to get the meaning occasionally.
In view that these are two of my favourite things (and no I don’t like warm woollen mittens or brown paper packages wrapped up with string), I have decided to compose a list of the top ten words that used to be okay to use in conversation but now just sound rude:
10. Pussy – an affectionate term for a house cat.
9. Cock – A male chicken
8. Slag – A smelting by-product
7. Flange – The lip on a train wheel.
6. Moist – Of wet tasting
5. Flaps – The control rudders on an aeroplanes wing (now called boringly, ailerons).
4. Mount – A mountain
3. Slit - A narrow gap with two parallel sides
2. Nob – A hill or a handle
1. Bulge – A swelling or a famous World War 2 battle (co-incidentally I’m going through a personal battle of the bulge currently but hopefully the diet should reduce the flab offensive).
Well that’s it for tonight. Sweet dreams all!
For some reason I’ve always loved lists. Namely lists counting down inanities such as “The Top Ten Games You’ve Never Played” or “The 5 Biggest Burgers in America”. Show me a list of something unimportant and I will be fascinated.
Another thing that interests me greatly is the English language, especially semantics (basically, the meaning of words). I occasionally drop the long word or an archaic meaning into a conversation, just to confound and bamboozle the other participant. It’s fun to see them try to get the meaning occasionally.
In view that these are two of my favourite things (and no I don’t like warm woollen mittens or brown paper packages wrapped up with string), I have decided to compose a list of the top ten words that used to be okay to use in conversation but now just sound rude:
10. Pussy – an affectionate term for a house cat.
9. Cock – A male chicken
8. Slag – A smelting by-product
7. Flange – The lip on a train wheel.
6. Moist – Of wet tasting
5. Flaps – The control rudders on an aeroplanes wing (now called boringly, ailerons).
4. Mount – A mountain
3. Slit - A narrow gap with two parallel sides
2. Nob – A hill or a handle
1. Bulge – A swelling or a famous World War 2 battle (co-incidentally I’m going through a personal battle of the bulge currently but hopefully the diet should reduce the flab offensive).
Well that’s it for tonight. Sweet dreams all!
Chapter the First: A New Introduction
Sunday 1 August 2010 23:52
My names Ryan and I am an addict.
My addiction is over-thinking at the small hours of the night. I call it thinkaphelia.
So, why at this time of night?
It’s always about this time my brain kicks up from its idle telly watching low hum into its high pitched whine of a thinky idea phase. Naturally this is always the time I should usually be asleep, but my brain seems to wish to use up all the energy stored in the day when I was either half listening to the TV, surfing the internet or failing to keep up to speed with mine and my girlfriend’s byzantine social and family structure which needs a map of such cartographical elegance the London tube map would look like a toddlers finger painting.
My brain has a habit of this hence, why I try not to read books before bed any more. I have many a time, looked outside the window into the pre dawn light and realised that though Chapter twenty eight may have been good I will need to be up to get ready ready for work in about forty minutes or so and sleep might be a really good idea.
I have, almost on purpose, watched an entire TV series on a weeknight due to being mesmerised by the plot, the setting or even the particularly fruity young actress. This is in the certain knowledge that I will hear that jingling of a little bell in the recesses of my brain of future me telling present me, this is a very, very bad idea and intravenous caffeine will be required by three thirty pm, stat, to prevent me slipping into a zombie like state.
Also, due to the fact I am a great sci-fi and gaming nerd, this is also frequently the time I am either thinking out my five novel space epic arc or asking myself stupid and pointless questions to which I know not the answer, such as what’s better, hyperspace, warp, ftl or starburst (ten points for the four series’ behind these abbreviations for fast travel).I will then proceed to make myself a knock off of one of these and disguise it as much as I can to be able to get away with it.
As these times seem to be my most creative, stupid, inspired or dim-witted moments. I’ve decided to share them with you all for a year. Poor, poor you. I don’t guarantee this will be every evening but knowing my cantankerous brain it will probably be most of them.
Over the coming months I will go over my random thoughts, theories, musings and things that frustrate and annoy me. These have been known to include:
- How am I sure the colour green that I perceive is the same green you do and is not my version of the colour red?
- Why do small children know the exact moment and opportunity to cause the maximum embarrassment / fall of social grace?
- How dogs and cats are actually the opposites of the same animal.
- How nobody actually really does like the taste of lager.
- When will someone invent an automatic pillow revolver?
- When did duvet covers become a heated source of debate?
- Why no matter how many or few clothes you have the laundry basket can never stay empty for a period greater than 12 hours.
- Why is the majority of the general populace still of the beard fearing variety?
- Who would really win between Batman and Ironman?
- Why is it only ever slow people in front of you when you're trying to get somewhere
I know these examples aren’t the most important, life-affirming, universe shattering, philosophising breakthroughs in modern history, but I’m writing and they matter to me so, nyeh.
Thanks for listening. Somebody has to and I hope to share my girlfriends anguish at having to put up with my god-awful drivel.
Must be off, there’s this really good book I’ve been dying to read...
My names Ryan and I am an addict.
My addiction is over-thinking at the small hours of the night. I call it thinkaphelia.
So, why at this time of night?
It’s always about this time my brain kicks up from its idle telly watching low hum into its high pitched whine of a thinky idea phase. Naturally this is always the time I should usually be asleep, but my brain seems to wish to use up all the energy stored in the day when I was either half listening to the TV, surfing the internet or failing to keep up to speed with mine and my girlfriend’s byzantine social and family structure which needs a map of such cartographical elegance the London tube map would look like a toddlers finger painting.
My brain has a habit of this hence, why I try not to read books before bed any more. I have many a time, looked outside the window into the pre dawn light and realised that though Chapter twenty eight may have been good I will need to be up to get ready ready for work in about forty minutes or so and sleep might be a really good idea.
I have, almost on purpose, watched an entire TV series on a weeknight due to being mesmerised by the plot, the setting or even the particularly fruity young actress. This is in the certain knowledge that I will hear that jingling of a little bell in the recesses of my brain of future me telling present me, this is a very, very bad idea and intravenous caffeine will be required by three thirty pm, stat, to prevent me slipping into a zombie like state.
Also, due to the fact I am a great sci-fi and gaming nerd, this is also frequently the time I am either thinking out my five novel space epic arc or asking myself stupid and pointless questions to which I know not the answer, such as what’s better, hyperspace, warp, ftl or starburst (ten points for the four series’ behind these abbreviations for fast travel).I will then proceed to make myself a knock off of one of these and disguise it as much as I can to be able to get away with it.
As these times seem to be my most creative, stupid, inspired or dim-witted moments. I’ve decided to share them with you all for a year. Poor, poor you. I don’t guarantee this will be every evening but knowing my cantankerous brain it will probably be most of them.
Over the coming months I will go over my random thoughts, theories, musings and things that frustrate and annoy me. These have been known to include:
- How am I sure the colour green that I perceive is the same green you do and is not my version of the colour red?
- Why do small children know the exact moment and opportunity to cause the maximum embarrassment / fall of social grace?
- How dogs and cats are actually the opposites of the same animal.
- How nobody actually really does like the taste of lager.
- When will someone invent an automatic pillow revolver?
- When did duvet covers become a heated source of debate?
- Why no matter how many or few clothes you have the laundry basket can never stay empty for a period greater than 12 hours.
- Why is the majority of the general populace still of the beard fearing variety?
- Who would really win between Batman and Ironman?
- Why is it only ever slow people in front of you when you're trying to get somewhere
I know these examples aren’t the most important, life-affirming, universe shattering, philosophising breakthroughs in modern history, but I’m writing and they matter to me so, nyeh.
Thanks for listening. Somebody has to and I hope to share my girlfriends anguish at having to put up with my god-awful drivel.
Must be off, there’s this really good book I’ve been dying to read...
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